I thought I was doing myself an injustice by being angry and alloying my disappointment to hinder me from making further contact with the ones who caused my pain. The ones who hurt me the worst were the ones who appeared to care the most. That contradiction was just that, a massive contradiction. My longing for companionship did nothing but cloud my judgement. Because of this desire, I tried to ignore all the wrong, that I encountered for my sake, and focused on the pleasantries. The good times we shared were utter bliss but for every joyous experience was a plaque of unread messages, missed calls, broken promises and insincere apologies.  On the bright side, I was getting better at vocally and verbally expressing my disapproval of their actions and I spent less time dwelling in that negative mood. It was becoming the norm. What I failed to realize then was, if the fear of getting hurt is so strong that you have to rehearse your proposal then, you are sending your invitation to someone who is unworthy of your company.

Lust always seemed to be their primary motivator. Not once did it seem as if friendship and love was ever a predominant factor in our budding relationship for I was the persistent one - the one who was always willing to dedicate time, money, affection and attention in the pursuit of maintaining a bond. My reward was a feeling of irrelevance.  It was clear that I was the one who was never “too busy”, “too tired”, or “too uninterested” to talk, watch a movie, go to the beach or remember previous plans.
I was certain that I was as pleasant as possible whenever I was in their presence so why did they display such a low level of admiration towards me? I thought that something must have been wrong with me.

For years, I encouraged a toxic psychological lifestyle because I was tired of being alone. I tortured myself in the company of those who pretended to have my best interests at heart.

No one person should allow another to continuously break their spirit and confidence. The greatest let-down came from someone who I didn’t think, could, would or was able to leave me broken. At that point, I decided to put an end to this unhealthy cycle. That was when I found true love. This was the type of love that I needed - the love of self. I wasn’t able to find it before because I was hell-bent on getting it from someone else.